Angry… Black… huh?

What’s up with the “angry Black woman”? She’s probably depressed and she doesn’t know it. She probably feels defeated or frustrated or lost, but she pushes forward… with a perpetual negative outlook on life, a tendency to not trust anyone, a fuse that is short, and a countenance that says “try me if you want to”, even to people who likely had no intention of doing such.

We often hear about this woman, and the story is usually followed by something like “ain’t nobody got time for that”, but maybe that’s a great part of the problem. Aside from that, how often do we see women, including these “angry Black women” who stick by men who are ALSO depressed, and constantly self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, and/or women?

Not only are they sticking by these men, but trying their best to pull them up, give them support, and even financially provide for them…. anything she can do to help him to recognize or fulfill his potential… even if, for her, it’s nothing but detrimental.

It doesn’t matter that he may be just as emotional, or more so, since anger is a completely acceptable emotion from men. He may have just as short a fuse, and he might erupt… all over her… physically. He may be listless and lack motivation to do much of anything. He still won’t be bad-mouthed to degree she is.

Despite the MANY examples of issues among men, it is SHE who has a bad rep and who has become the butt of far too many jokes. Yet the man who’s need for help is more evident, or at least more readily recognized, can consistently resist and refuse the various tools available to help rectify his issues, and people will not only be accepting of it, but also assist him in engaging in the unhealthy behaviors.

I remember, when I was a pre-teen and early teen, people would always say to me “smile” or “who pissed you off?”. I didn’t know what they were talking about. Nothing was wrong with me, as far as I knew. I was looking normal… just happened that my normal face looked mad or sad. I didn’t know, till later, that I was depressed.

Not every person who is depressed will be angry, or drink or do drugs. The methods of self-medicating may vary, and the behavior and attitude may also. No matter what, the person doesn’t likely realize what’s going on, doesn’t have much control over how they respond to it, and the necessity for understanding and help is the same.

Me Too … And For Our Brothers Who’ve Suffered….

I am a survivor. Like many women, I made I suffered through sexual abuse, but I am one of far fewer who has managed to reach a place of peace after the turmoil.

I hope to see more and more acknowledgement and openness on the subject. I really feel that awareness and being educated about the issue is one of the very necessary things that can help to reduce such horrendous assault.

The issues are so deep, and have been for so long, yet the surface of the problem is largely still untouched. We need more depth, more listening in spite of discomfort, more insight for prevention, and also hope to see the conversation open up more to increasingly acknowledge the males who have suffered.

As a mother of two boys, and a survivor, I know that the sickness that exists in the mind of a monster who would violate a child isn’t something the average person can comprehend. There is no reason to it, there is little logic that one can apply to it. There is no rule that men only molest/rape girls, or that women don’t molest/rape boys or girls.

Boys have suffered, and do suffer, either in silence, or under a guise of macho-ness and faux manhood, or otherwise. They suffer in various ways, and they outwardly exhibit that suffering in similar ways to the sistas who are called frigid or those called this and hoes. The difference is that many of the various displays of pain go unrecognized because they are mistaken for other things, including male-ness.

Our brothers suffer, even unknowingly, as many of our sisters do. Sadly the magnitude and extent to which they suffer is often difficult to assess because they typically feel that they can’t tell anyone, or that there’s nothing negative to tell (especially when the offender was a woman).

There needs to be such an outcry, such an outpouring of information and support for one another, and an end to ducking the subject. Let’s put aside our discomfort with the conversation, and let’s fully address it.

You deserve to be mo better!

Father And Son Reunite After 37 Years [Video]

After 37 years apart, Cleveland resident Lamarr Mainor got the birthday surprise of his life when he was reunited with his father.  (more…)

A Mother Officially Sentenced to Jail for Refusing to Vaccinate Her Child

After a battling with the courts, Rebecca Bredow, who refused to vaccinate her 9-year-old son, has been officially sentenced to spend 7 days in jail. This is like a nightmare for all of those who do all they can to protect their children from vaccines.

Bredow’s ex-husband, James Horne, has been trying, for over a year, for her to vaccinate. He took her to court, even though he had previously signed a vaccine waiver for their son, for religious exemption.

Rebecca says that the courts didn’t really hear side, but ordered her to vaccinate, regardless of the fact that she is primary caregiver to her son. It’s been stated that she originally agreed to comply, but never did.

This mom stated that she’d rather go to jail than to go against her beliefs, so the judge slapped her with contempt of court for which she’ll be doing this 7-day stint. What will happen, once she’s released, is anybody’s guess, but it’s certain that many parents are rooting for her to continue to stand her ground.

What could be the worst to come out of this court case, is that it could all be out spite. It’s possible that the child’s father had such a drastic change of heart due to demands for child support from his ex-wife.

For a parent to put a child’s health at risk for a possible future play for sole custody, or joint custody, in order to avoid financially supporting the child, is disgusting. It’s bad enough that pharmaceutical companies put children in harm’s way, for financial gain, but to have a parent play into that for his own financial gain is unfathomable.

This is hopefully a wake up call to other parents who may feel secure with a current agreement, from their significant other, to not vaccinate. Moms and Dads may need to look into having something more solid than a waiver form or verbal agreement between you and the other parent to your child(ren).

You deserve to be mo better!

Get Your Cuddle On!

Human touch is very important to an individual’s well being. Even just a quick hug can be good, but holding that embrace, or cuddling, can be even more beneficial. Premature, fragile infants in intensive care cuddle programs, gain more weight, have improved mental development, and are typically discharged earlier than babies who aren’t in the program.

Cuddling isn’t only for little ones It’s for everyone, of all ages, and it’s a great relationship enhancer that can help you and your partner in several ways.

Cuddling is a display of support and love that increase relationship satisfaction and endurance. Not only is it deeply intimate, it’s a show of companionship and trust, helping to bring both people closer, literally and figuratively.

If you tend to be stressed, or if you’re struggling with depression, cuddle sessions with your love can reduce the stress and serve as a means for you to comfort each other. Cuddling releases Oxytocin, which is a hormone involved in orgasm, parent-infant bonding, social interaction empathy, generosity, and also stress reduction and depression as it decreases cortisol production.

Those who experience issues with sleep, will appreciate the sleep -enhancing benefits of a good cuddle. The release of more Oxytocin and reduction of Cortisol can improve sleep. Not only will stress be reduced, but certain nutrients will be more available to you, especially magnesium. Magnesium becomes lowered when under stress. Having more of it available improves sleep and can even improve restless leg syndrome, which can interfere with sleep.

These are just some of the great effects of cuddling. Click here to find out about several more! Cuddling is easy and free, and great for both of you. Make it something you do for each other often. Healthy relationships are part of a healthy lifestyle. You deserve to be mo better!

Meditation For Couples

Usually, couples turn to prayer when they seek to improve their relationship spiritually, While prayer is good there’s something else that can be just as beneficial.

Prayer is essentially like praising or making a request of a certain deity. Meditation is slightly different from prayer, and is more about attracting or receiving, or even just becoming more in tune with nature.

When on this journey with your partner, you may open new doors and learn unexpected things in your marriage. Meditating as a couple can help you to develop a different, and stronger bond. It’s a good way to enhance your relationship, and another way for you to spend time together.

Meditation is calming and peaceful, it’s calming. Engaging in meditation together helps to counteract the stresses of the day, and it allows you both to gain certain spiritual benefits, individually, as well as shared emotional, physical, and spiritual.

When you conclude your sessions, you should thank each other and say ‘I love you’. If you decide to try it out, let us know how it’s working for you after a while.

Healthy relationships are part of a healthy lifestyle. You deserve to be mo better!

Let’s All Get Naked!

In societies and groups where people wear the most clothing, rape and molestation are highest. Just let that sink in for a minute. 

In this society, the naked body is often viewed as either disgusting or sexual; something to be hidden. A mother who wants to breastfeed without forcing her infant to rebreath Co2, being covered with a blanket, are crazy or indecent. Women who wear clothing that is “too revealing” are typically considered to be hoes. 

Much of the issues concerning the human body are more geared toward women, while men can wear short shorts and no shirt and no one would blink an eye, except maybe to laugh because his shorts are “too small. However, for either a man or a woman to be naked, isn’t just illegal, but shameful in the public eye; an assault even. 

Someone told me that people need to wear clothes, or dress a certain way because sin is in the world now (as in since “Adam & Eve”). Yet, to this day, there are remote areas with people who know nothing about wearing clothes and they know nothing about rape, until outsiders come, bringing rape and clothes. 

Even in so-called advanced societies, there are nudist groups and nude beaches, where folks freely have discussions and meetings, play sports, relax… completely NAKED. Yet, incidents of rape aren’t high among these groups. It’s not considered a risk factor for rape to be in one of the groups. 

While I think that nudist groups are weird and creepy, maybe even gross, I realize that that mindset is part of unnatural programming I had no control over, and that the reality is it’s FREE, NATURAL, and BEAUTIFUL, not shameful or nasty. Only our imbalanced programmed thoughts are nasty, creepy, weird. 

The more we program ourselves in perverse, imbalanced, ways, the more perverse and imbalanced our societies become. We think we’ve progressed. We think we evolved. We just kid ourselves and watch, in horror, the outcomes of our misled thinking.

So, while we aren’t quite ready for a naked revolution, I hope we give serious consideration to how we frame our thinking and to how our thinking has been influenced. Active thinking, rather than passive, is the healthiest thinking. 

You deserve to be mo better!

Can You Submit?

Most likely you can, and do. Most likely you have, or you’ve had, a job in which you had to submit to a superior and/or to customers/clients. You’ve likely been submissive to police or to the IRS, and even to your children or your pet.
 
 
 
However, when it comes to a spouse, many act like they’re too good to compromise, too good to take heed, too good to back down even when they know they’re wrong. Of course, he’s no authority over her, and she’s no authority over him, nor should either be.
 
 
 
To submit isn’t only about authority. Submission and subordination aren’t always synonymous. To submit to someone doesn’t automatically mean he or she is superior in rank, because it can actually be about yielding to the will, desires, intentions of a person. It can simply be the act of holding off your wants or needs, to allow for those of the other person.
 
 
 
In a marriage, neither should be the authority, but rather each a partner. Each taking equal responsibility, equal opportunity, equal rights in the relationship. As with any partnership, including business partnerships, the wills of the people involved may align at times, but there are times when they may clash.
 
 
 
The ego is usually at play when someone attempts to pull rank in partnerships. It’s difficult for people, when they feel like getting what they want is being threatened, but a hallmark of a truly mature person is recognition it’s not all about you. Those who want a relationship to be all about them, probably shouldn’t get married. They aren’t partner material.
 
 
 
So, when there is disagreement in a marriage, what can be done if neither is willing to submit, or when one person is always doing the submitting? Should the partnership be dissolved, or shall one just concede to submit on a permanent and regular basis to keep the peace? In either of those situations, you no longer have a partnership. In the latter, what develops is a dictatorship in which one who used to be a partner, now takes the role of a subordinate. This is not balanced.
 
 
 
Two who become one shouldn’t have a relationship where one is superior to the other, but rather respectful enough of each other wherein there is fairness and compromise and all efforts to arrive at a solution that can be the most beneficial for the whole. If a person wants to get married to have someone be subordinate, then, again, they shouldn’t get married. That person should just get a dog. Part of marrying someone is understanding that teamwork makes the dream work.
 
 
 
If one basketball player hogs the ball, it’s safe to say that team isn’t a winning team, even if they win some games. The game should be played based on the strengths of the team members. Sometimes, a team mate has to acknowledge that another is better at something. He might really want to take a shot, but he knows he’s better at layups than 3-pointers, so he passes to the best 3-point shooter available. Sometimes, though, it’s just about giving that team partner a fair chance at the rim.
 
 
 
Sometimes, submission might be about seeing a greater need for the other person to have that chance, because perhaps it will help him/her fulfill something important to them, or it will help emotionally. It takes a big person to step back and allow that, rather than rather than acting solely on their own desires.
 
 
 
Another important aspect is leadership. Please understand that leader does not mean superior. It only means that one is leading. To lead, others have to be willing to follow, not be forced to, intimidated into, or manipulated to do it. That typically requires someone to see that you have specific skills to lead him/her with. Keep in mind that team leaders can, and do, change. It’s the same in a marriage. One may lead at one point in time, or for certain situations, and the other at another point.
 
 
 
Bottom line is that there are many things at play, many aspects, much to be considered in a marriage, especially when you want to have one that is successful. Success in a marriage isn’t about who’s on top, or how many years you’ve tolerated each other, or even just about how much you love each other. A successful marriage is one in which both people support and help one another, respect each other, plans together, uplifts one another, tackles obstacles strategically, … gets over their egos and submits to other.
 
 
Healthy relationships are part of a healthy lifestyle. You deserve to be mo better!!

Abused Men???

Typically, when we think about someone being in an abusive relationship, we think about a woman. Thing is, far more men than you might imagine are verbally, mentally, and even physically abused. We often think that since men tend to be stronger than women, then it isn’t really possible for a woman to abuse a man.

Unfortunately, because society views women as weak, in every way, then we tend to minimize situations in which women are aggressive, verbally or physically, and we don’t put much weight on the effects of the actions. A woman is harmless. There’s nothing she could do to hurt a man. These are horribly incorrect assumptions.

Most people have no problem sympathizing or empathizing with a woman who tells of abuse she has suffered from a man. If a guy talks about the same, or similar abuse, the average person might actually think that he must have done something to deserve it. He must have hurt her feelings, he must have cheated, he must have made her mad…

You won’t likely find a guy openly discussing how his girlfriend slaps him and curses him out whenever she’s angry with him, or how she constantly calls him stupid or useless. It’s even less likely that you’ll hear a man upset about being attacked with a kitchen utensil.

Controlling women do exist. Sometimes she’s the result of an overly appeasing parent, an adult with spoiled child tendencies. This woman needs a man to do what she wants, how she wants it. This woman can break down the strongest of men, and it often begins with manipulation.

Additionally, we might assume that the only guys who are susceptible to abuse are those we’d consider to be push-overs, but a master manipulator doesn’t require this, and she might even view the opposite type as a challenge she’s willing to take on. Even though a push-over would be easier to manipulate, we just can’t make assumptions about the guy who ends up in an abusive situation, and the bottom line is that I’d doesn’t matter. No one deserves abuse.

Quite often, guys don’t even realize they’re abused or the thought wouldn’t even cross their minds. They might be miserable and trying to make things work, while blaming themselves for everything that’s wrong. They may come to believe any and all negative things said about them by their lover. They often either scramble to try to be what she wants, or drown in depression and become shells of their former selves. The man suffering from the latter, often just comes off as lazy.

Even if the abuse stems from frustration about actual laziness, it’s not cool. As a woman, I can tell you that a lazy man, or a coddled man, definitely isn’t something I put up with, and it drives me crazy. So, I can relate to being angry that something didn’t get done… again, or because of other responsibilities that aren’t being addressed. Again, there’s never any excuse for abuse. If she ain’t happy with you, there is door she can sashay on out of, but the line of respect should never be crossed.

Brothers, if you’re in a relationship that makes you feel like you’re nothing or like you’re inadequate, you might need to examine what’s going on. Assess how she treats you, and the things she says. If you feel like you can’t talk to your boys about it, definitely reach out to another woman, specifically a woman in your family.

Another woman can best help you sort things out and help you through the issues, even if it just means she’ll make sure you seek help from a professional. This woman will hopefully also help you to know if there is growing that you need to do, not to avoid making someone want to abuse you (that’s definitely not where I’m going here), but to better yourself overall.

Healthy relationships are part of a healthy lifestyle. You deserve to be mo better!

Hard to find “The One” Ladies?

Those of us who are looking for “the one” tend to rush into monogamous relationships. Someone shows us attention, makes us laugh, does things for us, we lay claim right away. The problem with this is that most people are on their best behavior… in the beginning.

The best practice would be to just be cool. Men tend to do this anyway, and often it is women who have declared a relationship while the man is still just having a good time. Unfortunately, men also tend to be possessive, so many men won’t argue against a woman’s ‘exclusive’ label, but he won’t necessarily abide by it. He may be perfectly happy with her being with only him, while he plays the field without her knowledge.

Ladies, what you want to do is find a friend. Find guy who does it for you, and date him. Matter of fact, find several guys like this, and date them all. I’m not saying have sex with them all. If you feel you have to, or you just want to, pick one of them to be physical with. This is not a suggestion to play the field. This isn’t an instruction about how to be a pimp or a player. You should tell each one of them that you’re not looking for a committed relationship right now, but if that’s what develops, then so be it.

The average dude will be just fine with this, as long as you don’t talk about the others around him. Now, if he starts to really feel you, he will begin to ask questions about who else you’re dating. This one reason to lay the ground rules up front. You won’t ask him about whoever else he’s dating, and he won’t ask you. If he starts questioning, remind him that he agreed to the arrangement. If he insists on making more of it, or if he’s pushing for monogamy before you’re sure, cut him off. I suggest giving him a warning on the first offense, but after that, it’s done.

You want time to feel each guy out. Don’t overload yourself, but don’t limit yourself either. You want to find the one who is good for you in every way you need. You want to find the one who will be the friend and the lover. You want that one who, if you’re ever injured or ill and can’t have sex, he is right there. You want the one who you have more than just lust with. You want the one who will be on the porch with you, when you’re old, enjoying life, and enjoying each other.

marry friend 2

You want a partner in love. You want that man who will make your best girlfriend jealous of your relationship. In order to have this, you have to take your time. There are no guarantees, this is true, but you stand a much better chance of having a lasting relationship if you take the time to know him on a deeper level, before you agree to be his only boo.

Healthy relationships are part of a healthy lifestyle. You deserve to be mo better!